His Brother's Name
by Tabi
Summary: Gateau muses on one of Marron's... little habits.


HIS BROTHER'S NAME

He's doing it again.

He's doing it again, and it hurts me this time, just like it hurts me every time. Every single damn time he does it, it hurts, but... guess I'm just sadistic. If I hated it as much as it makes me hurt, then I wouldn't go after him every time. I don't think.

It happens every couple of nights. Maybe a little more often, perhaps I don't notice it every time it happens... sometimes I just... can't handle it. Some nights, it hurts too much, even for me.

But as for tonight, it's another one of those nights, like most others... the sky's dark, the moon's shining brightly, stars dot the sky... the night is beautiful... and Marron Glacé is masturbating over his brother again.

Again.

Like how he does most nights.

And that's what makes me hurt.

As for Marron... I love him. I guess so, I've flirted with him since we first _met_, but... since then, we've been together a long time, not just me and him, the whole group... we've all got closer, we've all got stronger, but even though we're closer and stronger, sometimes I feel that I'm just getting more distant from the one I want to be closest to...

Sure, Marron knows how I feel, parts of how I feel, anyway. I'm still always flirting with him, making a show of it all, showing off my body, my muscles... part of me is joking around, but part of me just wants him to notice... part of me wants him to see me and tell me that he _wants me... and... then I'd say that I wanted him too, and... then... not only would we want each other... we'd __have each other..._

No, but that probably won't ever be. Not while THIS carries on.

I don't know when I first noticed it. A while ago, maybe a year or so ago? I don't know. Seems like it's been forever, but if I was gonna count the days or something... I don't know. Something like that. It was night time, we were all just getting ready to sleep... then I kinda noticed Marron going off. He'd seemed kinda suspicious, though. Maybe he coulda been answering the call of nature, but that didn't occur to me at the time... I was curious, so I followed him.

Couldn't believe what I found.

In a little glade, just off from where we had the camp set up, he was there... like that... he didn't even notice I was there. He never notices me. Always too lost in what he's doing, I guess. At that time, I didn't know... I was just amazed, perhaps a little excited, in more than one way... here was the person I'd spent several years pursuing, and here they are, like that, and... I just couldn't stop watching him. It's hard to stop watching him usually, wherever we go and wherever we are, I like to watch him... he's beautiful, it brings me pleasure, or at least, it used to.

Brought me pleasure that night, anyway. I was totally and utterly transfixed, his small movements, his closed eyes, the blush on his pale face... his hair seemed a little messed up, clinging to him in places... his robe hung open, his trousers around his ankles, his arm leading to his hand that was wrapped around... him... his wrist frantically moving, his voice coming in gentle gasps and moans... god, it was the most powerful thing I'd ever seen.

Then when his voice spoke, it was like something shattered within me. I mean, I suppose the thought must have occurred at some point, "Who would Marron Glacé do that over anyway?"...

When I heard "Niisan", I knew I'd lost.

"Niisan"... "Carrot"... that name... that name can never be my name, and I can never be Carrot. At first, I couldn't believe it. Why the hell would Marron be saying _that name?! Carrot's his brother!! What kind of sick freak is Marron to wank off over his own _brother_?!_

That was what I thought at first.

The days and nights wore on. I couldn't bring myself to say anything during the day... never could, never can. If I said anything, it'd destroy him... something like that isn't meant for other people to hear. The days were normal Sorcerer Hunting days, and the nights... some nights he'd just sleep, some nights he'd take his leave once he thought everyone was asleep. Sometimes he'd stop over where Carrot was sleeping, and just look at him... that soft, gentle smile... he'd never smile like that at _me. But hey, this is Carrot. All the things that Carrot makes Marron feel aren't the things that I can make Marron feel, obviously. Marron never smiles at me like that... never says my name just how he says that other name, that title... if I could hear him say my name with just a fraction of the helpless feeling that he says his brother's name, then I could die happy._

After that one night, I was... almost frightened. Worried that I might say something to him, or say something to Carrot, or to one of the Misu sisters... I was so worried about saying something wrong, but I managed to keep my tongue, fortunately. After that night, I was curious still... maybe I'd just caught Marron in a strange mood, maybe he didn't know what he was saying... maybe I'd dreamt it. He wouldn't REALLY have that kind of feeling towards his brother, right?

Well, guess I was wrong... that night was just as vivid as the first, he seemed so desperate... for a moment, I thought as I had that other night, Carrot's his BROTHER, that's sick, why is he masturbating while saying his brother's name? Why that name? Why not anyone else's name, why not my name, a girl's name, any other name, not _that_ name, why did it have to be _that_ name?

Then... I don't know, after that... it seemed to die down within me. And I realised that, while it was the sickest thing in the world to me at the time... even though he was doing what he was doing about who he was doing it over... he was still beautiful. And I just couldn't stop watching him.

I can't stop watching him.

I'm amazed he's not noticed me by now - I've been watching him for long enough... but it's such a private moment, I... I shouldn't really be watching him like this. It's so dangerous, just one gasp and he'd hear me... I almost look upon it as my duty to watch him. Make sure no-one disturbs him. Though of course, first and foremost, I just want to watch him... it doesn't matter if he's not calling out my name. Seeing him like this is a way I thought I'd never see him, and I glory in that, if in nothing else.

Oh, but if he knew how much it hurt.

Everything with Marron is his brother. Every powerful emotion is Carrot, isn't it? In battles, Marron fights, but he only goes psycho when his brother's safety is threatened. It's always Carrot that Marron's concerned about, it's always Carrot that... it's just... always Carrot. Everything to Marron is Carrot, and if so... then it's almost natural that his sexual feelings would be about his brother too, isn't it?

Sometimes, the feeling overtakes me, and I have to go off to relieve my own problems... and I feel disgusted with myself, because my thoughts always echo what I've just seen; I don't get off over Marron touching himself and saying _my_ name, because it's easier, I get off over Marron touching himself and saying his brother's name... why should I put the extra imaginative power into something that can never be, and would hurt me too much to think about? That voice and those words haunt my dreams, so why not put them to vaguely good use?

The way he says that name...

"_Niisan... ni... niisan... nii- NIISAN..._"

The way he says it makes it the most beautiful word ever said, and for the joy it seems to bring him, I can forgive the connections that word has to someone such as Carrot.

Carrot probably doesn't even know the gift he potentially has. If Carrot knew how his brother acted about him while he sleeps... how would he react? I feel sad to think about that. How I feel about Marron... is that how Marron feels about his brother? I mean, sure, Marron loves Carrot, Carrot loves Marron too, but... is Marron _in _love with his brother? Thinking about it, it does kinda make sense. Those quiet looks, those eyes... the way he watches him... Marron watches Carrot most of the time I spend watching Marron. My eyes are on him, and his eyes are on his brother... I guess most people'd say they have a really close relationship... does Marron want it to be closer?

That's one of the reasons, I like to think, that I watch him as he does that each night. Much as the idea of Marron catching me catching him worries me, the thought of Carrot catching Marron worries me even more. I mean, I know Carrot'd probably forgive Marron... perhaps... but I think Carrot might end up acting rashly... Carrot's a girlchaser, he likes girls, and... I don't know, I just don't know how he'd react to his brother touching himself about _him... it's different, but I guess it'd kinda be like if I walked in on Eclair calling my name, or something like that..._

I wrinkle my nose at that. That's too weird to think about. I don't know if I'd be angry as such, shocked maybe, but not angry... but... I dunno, I'd probably wanna talk to her about it, 'cause... nah, that's just weird.

To Carrot, it'd be like that... would it? I don't know what goes through his head. But jeez, Marron's beautiful, surely Carrot's gotta realise that? Maybe Carrot can place his brother's beauty over his own feelings? Could just be me, I'm biased anyway, but I'd say Marron's a lot more beautiful than those stupid girls that Carrot's always after... and Carrot HAS all of that... Marron watches him, Marron takes care of him, Marron protects him, Marron looks after him... Marron would do anything for Carrot, Marron _does do anything for Carrot... my fist clenches as I think about Carrot. That idiot. He doesn't realise what he has... he has... everything that I want..._

Marron gasps, I turn to hear him. I've heard that sound before, but everytime I hear it, it's like... it almost paralyses me. If that gasp could be for me... oh, Marron... couldn't you just... say my name?

I shake my head to myself, I'm just being selfish there. You wouldn't say my name, not while Carrot runs through your mind.

What is it you think about, anyway? What do you dream about him doing to you that makes you dream about it night after night? I guess if I knew, it'd hurt. I think about it, but... I don't think I really wanna know the deepest depths of Marron's sexual fantasies. I'm curious, but it's probably best if I don't know... if I knew, it'd just be more painful, knowing that those things were dreamt about your brother...

I sigh, everso quietly. Have to be careful.

My chest hurts. I step slightly behind a tree, so I can watch you with a degree more of secrecy. You wouldn't see me, not doing what you're doing, but... still, it gives me peace of mind.

Tonight, you're sat in the middle of the glade, splayed out... you've dispensed of your trousers, they're clenched between the fingers of the fist that's not between those pale, burning thighs... you let out a soft sigh, then a noise of frustration... you draw your head to your chest, then throw it back, pressing it to your right shoulder... you drop the fabric between your fingers, hesitantly brushing away strands of hair that have flown to your face... your other hand drops a bit further, the intensity of your blush deepens, and your panted breath comes quicker - must be pushing all the right buttons, then.

You push your robe from your shoulders, it softly slips from your body, falling to the ground behind you. You fall with it, lying on the floor now, naked...

Marron, oh god, Marron... like you in front of me, I'm aroused. I'm torn. I want to find a quiet glade of my own where I can have my own release, call your name like you call your brother's name... but I don't want to leave you, not while you're here like this. I don't even want to sit down here and silently jerk off, because I don't know if I could, not silently. And I'd have my back turned to you - you might finish at any moment, walk past, and find me, and then what would happen?

And it'd just feel too strange, masturbating right there almost in front of you, while you did that... somehow, I could never bring myself to do that. Marron turns me on like nothing else, but... if I did actually jerk off in front of him, even if he didn't realise that I was doing so, I... I don't know. It'd feel like I was abusing his silent trust, abusing his privacy... and for thinking about what I'd think about, it'd feel like I was abusing _him_, almost. Guilty as I feel, that would make me feel _too_ guilty. I couldn't do that. It already feels like I'm doing something I shouldn't, watching him all the time, like that. I'm not doing anything to him physically, but... it almost feels like I'm... no, that's... too... strong a word? Is it possible to mentally rape someone? When they don't even know about it?

You throw your head from side to side; from day to day life you're beautiful, but in the moonlight, those frantic near-scared movements, the long dark hair that clings to sweat-slicked skin... the night is warm, but you burn, don't you? Burn with a forbidden fire for your brother... that fire makes you glow, makes you forbidden to me, makes you beautiful...

"O-ohhh... niisan... yesss.... nii-niisan..." A drawn out sigh, a gasp... your other hand reaches out to the ground, feels around, needs something to touch... you bring it to your chest, pressing it into that flesh... you want something to touch, something to hold... you want your brother, don't you? You want him to hold you, you want him to make you burn, you... you think only of him.

If you wanted me to, I'd walk into that glade right now, and hold you... even if you refused me anything, I'd... I'd just hold you, let you hold onto me while you drove yourself further... the thought of your naked form in my arms, lying against my chest, gasping and moaning into my neck as your grip on my hand tightens occurs, the look on your face now would be the look on your face as you said his name as you say it now... though perhaps, in my dreams, you'd say my name too... even if it was just to tell me what you thought about, even if it was just to talk about him, about Carrot... I'd let you speak, to hear you talk of more than just his name... your voice would be like it is now, the voice that makes me freeze, that makes me burn, that makes me feel everything... that voice that cries out that damned name...

You're caught up in your fantasy; I swear, even if you knew I was here, by this point, you wouldn't care. You're too far gone for that... I watch with a distanced desire, feeling something at watching your imminent orgasm, but... still feeling a sadness...

You clench your legs together around your hand, then let one fall away... my eyes dart from your face to where you touch yourself, almost like I can't decide what I want to watch. I want to see your face as you climax, the look in your eyes, the tiny things that are so beautiful... I also want to see what brings you such physical pleasure, I want to see how your hand moves, I want to see if your touches are hard, rough touches, I want to see if they're soft and gentle... I want to know how I should touch you, if I ever got the chance to do so...

I want to hear your voice, so... I listen. Your voice is so soft, so quiet... but in the silence of the glade, it's loud to me. It's the only thing I can hear, the only thing I can focus on... your pre-orgasmic cries, and the thundering of my heartbeat. Hush, stupid thing. I want to listen to him without interference...

"Oh god yes- YESS... niisan... niisan... I'm- ... ...I'm almost- yes, don't stop... niisan... just... just a little-! A little more, I- oh-... ohh...! Ohhh goddd.... NII... SAN..."

That's as loud as you dare cry. You seem to freeze, your wrist the only part of you that doesn't... you lean back on one elbow as you try to form an arch with your body, desperately thrusting your hips, reduced to gasps and gutteral utterances as your fantasy becomes too much for you, and you climax, head thrown back, the only coherent word... the name of your brother, wrenched from your lips.

I watch, totally mesmerized, as you fall back onto your robe, panting, glistening, blushing, irresistible. You stay like that for a moment, just catching your breath... you open your eyes, trailing a finger or two up your body, collecting the fluids that lie there on the tips of those fingers... you hold them in front of your eyes, studying those shaking fingers. I hear a sentence of that beautiful voice...

"If this were you... I wouldn't hesitate..."

You sigh, licking your fingers off. So, you'd do that kind of thing... it's a strange sight, but... you move your head so gracefully, that tongue, those teeth... you've had your climax, but I still crave mine. I need to move soon, it won't be long before you go back to the camp... but still I want to watch you...

Your body clean now, you just lie there. You drop your wrist over your eyes, and I feel numb as I realise - you're crying. A strangled cry echoes this sentiment, and it's all I can do not to run over to you and hold you and let you cry into my arms... you cry... you cry his name. You cry because he can't be yours, or - because you can't be his? Whatever the reason, you cry over him. Your brother.

You cry over him just as you watch over him... you watch over him just as you masturbate over him, cry his name with such passion... I want that, but I'm selfish. I want you to call my name, I want you to want me like I want you... I want you to want me, Marron...

You don't stop crying... I can't watch anymore. I watched you sneak off, I watched you undress, I watched you take yourself to a brother-induced climax, I watched you before, I watched you during, I watched you afterward... but I can't watch you cry. It's too much. You need some kind of privacy to your feelings, and it's too much to ask for me to watch that too. I watch you touching yourself over him, but somehow, those empty, drained cries... I can't watch that. It's too harrowing. And I'm just stupid and selfish anyway.

I walk back to the camp, wondering slightly. I'm so horny it hurts, despite the tragic sadness of what I'd just seen... my heart hurts in my chest, but other parts of me hurt, call for attention... I sigh, walking past the campfire, glaring at Carrot as I go.

Maybe I'll cry afterwards, cry as I call Marron's name... I dunno. Probably. It's what I usually do.

Marron...

_Marron_...

Marron.

- Fin -

****  
AUTHOR'S RANTING

****

Kekekekekeke, Angstwhore!Gateau XD. Still, I can picture Gateau getting angsty way more easily than I can picture him turning into Bastard!Gateau and raping Marron or something, bah. Anyway, not bad, I finished a fic in two days, more or less. Started it last night and finished it today, so, yeah, I finished it in two sittings :D. Cool ;D. I like that. The title came about from me and Sachan and Achan coming up with ADIDA... (All Day I Dream About...) anacronyms, they're all sitting on my Livejournal someplace if anyone wants to see the madness we came up with. Anyway, one of them was something like ADIDAGCMJOWCOHBN, All Day I Dream About Gateau Catching Marron Jerking Off While Calling Out His Brother's Name, and as I was reading it, I was like "Hey, 'His Brother's Name' sounds a cool name for a fic or something!", and I thought about naming one of my current fics it, since I got such problems with naming fics these days... then I thought 'oh, why not' and started a brand new fic, and named it thus XD

16th Febuary 2003


End file.
